Due to their nature, the INTP is not great at getting in touch with their emotions (and often when they do they have no idea what to make of them). So, what to do?
Be safe and consistent
INTPs are naturally cynical due to their tendency to analyze everything, and therefore can develop serious trust issues (especially if they have had a bad experience). If you want to be helpful to the INTP and allow them to open up, you need to show yourself to be safe and consistent. If you think you may not follow through on something, don’t say you will. By being honest with yourself and with the INTP, you are less likely to hurt them (even by accident) in the process.
Be available, but do not smother
Once an INTP has developed an emotional attachment to you, this may or may not apply so much. However, especially before that bond has been developed, you need to allow the INTP plenty of space and allow them to come to you. Make sure they know you are available for them to open up to, but beyond that the INTP must feel it was their idea to come to you.
Success! They are talking to me, now what?
The INTP can be difficult to understand. In conversation, it is important to not interrupt their train of thought. Generally, the INTP will connect emotions to certain events and individuals who have effected them. These memories follow a train of thought that you may or may not be able to relate to and it is often easiest to just let the INTP get it all out their own way of telling it.
I liked the way Bo Ahlberg put it in his blog:
Who an INTP is on the outside can be as much about what scars they wear from dealing with people as it does who they really are… its not easy getting past the wounds because they are there to protect the INTP from further emotional attack like a set of armor.
In other words, the INTP doesn’t easily let go of events that made them feel a certain way (often negative), because it allows them to avoid situations that may hurt them again.
Being sensitive to that fact is very important.
Feedback
- Are you an INTP? Do these things hold true for you?
- Do you have an INTP friend? Are you dating one? How did you break through the walls?
Leave your thoughts in the comments!
The consistency, I believe, is very important. I would also caution against brushing aside personal and/or noted details that an INTP mentions. The INTP wouldn't mention them if they didn't think they were important for some reason. Brushing aside my observations about her change in mood once, led me to believe my partner was hiding something from me. I was right, and it wasn't very important, but having them brushed away without explanation leaves me to figure out how important they might be for myself.
Imagine, for instance, that we are talking about funny car chases on youtube. I mention there was one where a red Mustang gets demolished after hitting a tree but that the driver somehow survives. The mention of the red Mustang reminds you of an old friend and makes you nostalgic. I notice you look a little sad and ask you about it. You don't feel like explaining and so you say that it is nothing and move on to something else. I accept this answer temporarily, because you clearly don't want to talk about it, but my mind races with the possibilities as to what it could be (Hooray, you are the focus of my interest!). Now I might come to the conclusion (in about a second) that I likely made you sad by reminding you of a friend who died in a car accident. I will believe this to be a near-truth and feel bad for mentioning it until told otherwise. I might also withdraw from the conversation for fear of upsetting you further. This perhaps being a little strange, may cause you to feel a host of different things centering around why I suddenly withdrew from the conversation, but I won't speculate on those.
So, yes, until the INTP feels like they know you fairly well, or are at least comfortable with your commonly expressed emotions, I advise helping them out a bit when they bring something up. You may even choose to find it flattering, as it probably means the whole of our focus is centered on you and we are trying very hard to know and understand you.
As an aside, I believe this might be of note as well here. The link below was recently posted on this site:
"Friendship with INTPs develops at a pace which depends considerably on the temperament of the other person. INTPs dislike making the first move and tend to mirror the emotional content of the other person. A jolly person will quickly bring the INTP out of his shell, as much as that is possible, while a serious person will find a serious INTP looking back at him. In this sense, INTPs preference for intuitive perception (rather than action) with respect to people results in them resembling a chameleon."
-http://www.intp.org/intprofile.html
Posted by Mattius | January 10, 2010, 9:15 pm"Who an INTP is on the outside can be as much about what scars they wear from dealing with people as it does who they really are… its not easy getting past the wounds because they are there to protect the INTP from further emotional attack like a set of armor."
Yep.
Posted by intp guy | January 11, 2010, 2:20 pm